She sat silently under the tree sobbing; there was no one in this world who could understand the pain she went through.
 
She decided she will speak to the head madam today, everyone called her mam.
 
After the breakfast while she was heading to the class, she saw mam coming from the opposite direction. Her eyes twinkled and she ran towards her and said:
 
"Mam, I need to ask you something"
She returned a warm smile and asked her "What happened darling"
"Will I ever have a home? So many parents come here but no one ever takes me home, will I never have someone to relate with?"
 
Her simple innocent words brought tears in Mrs. Gupta eyes (who is the head-mistress of the Trust)
 
"Isn't this your home my darling, don't we all love you so much."
"Yes you do and you all love others even but then why do all other kids get a home and part ways. I loved to spend time with little rohan, then sweety, appu and so many but you see they all are gone. Now they all only come occasionally and get some sweets for all of us."
 
"Mam, I want to be like one of them, will God never hear my prayer.
Will I never have a dad?"
 
Mrs. Gupta had to change the topic and she walked ahead towards her office, this was a tough moment for her too. She sat back and wondered why everyone is not equally fortunate and why does she feel so helpless at such moment but she knew she was strong and will able to pull herself back; but what about Sabina? Her innocent questions pierced again and again.
 
Sabina was brought in the trust when she was a month old; she was left near the dustbin possibly by her parents, she was very weak and skinny. When no one had come forward to claim the girl, the hospital had forwarded her to the adoption agency. Her medical test showed she was HIV+, everyone back at the agency knew that since the child was not medically fit, no one will adopt her ever. Sabina was a bright child and picked up things well. So many families came and saw her but once the prospective parents were told about her medical complications, no one stepped forward to take her.
 
Every night when Sabina slept, she used to say same small prayer and silently fall asleep
"Please send my dad to take me home. I promise I will be the best girl, I will never ask for any gifts not even my favorite Barbie dolls, I will do whatever he says, I promise you god, my dad will be proud of me"
 
She was always left alone. Years passed by and she had grown up; now she was 7 years old yet she was in the agency.
 
Sabina was suffering because of no fault of hers. God knows how long will be her wait and will ever there be a home for Sabina?

Adi opened his eyes lazily and was startled to realize it was 7, he jumped out of the bed; he was late by half an hour. He ran to the bathroom and suddenly it dawned on him that it was a Sunday. Looking into the mirror he thought how much he had changed, he didn’t even have count of days. It has been ages since he had smiled; life had taken a complete u turn on him. He splashed his face with water and walked out.

With trembling hands he opened the door of the next room, Shikha was fast asleep, she looked pale yet so beautiful, her lips were still pink; she looked so calm and silent. Slowly he reached out to her and took her palm in his hands and wondered when her sleep will be broken. Mesmerized at her look he slipped away down the memory lanes.

“No Shikha, please I am tired now stop troubling me. Please for God’s sake. I promise I will not forget your chocolates tomorrow.”

“Adi!! how can you forget, you promised me you will get me my dairy milk, now that we have got engaged and you are sure that we will be getting married soon, you are changing…See I told you all men change…”

“Hmmm…. Shikha; you are also changing; for you my presence next to you don’t matter, earlier you used to be so happy in my embrace and now you are more interested in chocolates.”

“Adi, you idiot” and she hugged him tightly. “You mean the world to me; your touch, your love, kisses and hugs complete me darling.”

13 years had passed since their eyes first met and 10 years back they had got married. It was a beautiful journey for both of them. With each day passing by, their understanding and love had just grown stronger.

“Adi, what’s wrong you fought with someone? You seem to be in an awful mood.”

“No I am fine…”

“Come on Adi look in to my eyes darling…your face is like mirror of your inner self and you can’t hide your true self from me…See; my eyes are like x-ray machine. I can see your thoughts so clearly.”

He took her close and held her tight, “you know me so well”.

Tears rolled down on Adi’s cheeks, he wiped and gazed towards her. He felt she even wanted to talk to him but deep down he knew he was just fooling himself and she will never speak again. He slowly placed her hand back on the bed, gave a peck and walked towards the window and opened the curtains, she loved seeing the sun rising. He looked out helplessly; wishing he could turn back the time and shield Shikha from the sad events that changed their lives completely.

He took a grip on himself and moved forward, but he wondered what will he do, he didn’t feel hungry. Slowly he walked back towards the bed.

Shikha please speak something, god damn it; please, look its 10 and your adi has not had breakfast, see how pale I have become, you don’t care for me at all..shikha please get up. He broke down; began to sob and ended up wailing uncontrollably.

It had been 5 years of their marriage and she was not able to conceive. Adi comforted her “Don’t worry baby, I already have such a beautiful angel in my life, such a naughty kid who keeps me busy, I don’t need another one; I just can’t think of sharing you and your time with anyone.”

“Adi please understand my feelings, for once I want to experience motherhood, and it will make me a complete woman. Imagine that little one growing within me, I would be carrying a life within me for 9 months Adi, our baby, that little one; trust me his touch will make you forget everything. Please, please Adi lets visit a doc.”

Pursuant with her request Adi gave in, months later they both were running from one clinic to another doing some test or the other.

“Adi, on your way back from office will you please collect my blood report?”

It was like some board exam results. Adi prayed oh god let this time things work, I can’t see her go through mixed sentiments month after month, and she is so frazzled. In the evening he drove down to the hospital, collected the report and was too apprehensive to open it. Suddenly his phone rang;

“Adi what happened is my report again negative? Tell me please.”

“Hey love I have just reached, let me collect it, I will be home in 5 minutes and we will open the report together. Ok!!” Adi decided this is the last time, that’s it and then they would adopt or else no child for them. So be it.

With trembling hands he opened the report, it read positive. Aha, they jumped to each others joy. After 2 failed IVF cycles she finally conceived. Finally the ordeal was over.

He made sure she went for checkups, had vitamins and a proper diet.

Six months passed, by now shikha was bloated, they enjoyed every moment of the pregnancy, from deciding what names they would keep, which schools the kid go to, etc. It was a wonderful feeling.

Suddenly Shikha screamed in pain in the middle of the night, it was her 7th month. Adi noticed both her legs were drenched in blood. From the little he knew, he understood something was drastically wrong; shikha screamed in pain. He dialed emergency and called for an ambulance.

Operation went on for 12 hours; he stood outside amidst all fears. When finally the doctor walked out he ran to him:

“I am sorry Adi we were not able to save the baby, the child suffered from brain hemorrhage and died. “

“Shikha!! Doctor, how is she…”

“She has lost lot of blood, she is still not out of danger though. Adi I am sorry but now Shikha can never conceive.”

“But doc she will be fine, isn’t it? I just want her back”. Doc gently patted on his shoulder and walked ahead.

Suddenly Adi screamed; “doc one sec,

Yes!! Did we have a baby girl or boy”? “Girl”, said doc.

He sat on the bench and cried, he couldn’t gather courage to tell shikha about the incident, he kept wondering how she would react. Lost in the web of thoughts he fell asleep on the bench.

Nurse woke him in the morning.

“How is she”? He asked.

“Still not stable”

“Is she conscious now”?

“No”.

“When will she be”?

“No idea. Can you please get these medicines and injection”?

 He nodded and ran to get them.

56 bottles of blood transfusion had happened, her bp and pulse rate were low. It had been 3 days and she was still on ventilator and had not regained consciousness.

Adi, who was an atheist, prayed; “God please get her back, we have already given our little angel without any complaints but please don’t take my angel away from me”.

Next morning, as he sat beside her, felt shikha move her hand.

He pressed the bell, doctors and nurses came in to check on her, he stood at a distance just gazing at her, and he could see her eyes were full of questions. She didn’t have energy but yet she could not wait any longer.

They removed few machines; her face was clearly visible now. She gathered some strength and asked “Adi; my baby”?!?! He looked down. She asked again.

“Baby is fine shikha, and you will be fine too. We all will go back home soon.”

“Adi don’t lie to me; tell me the truth”!! She said faintly.

Tears rolled down his cheek, he looked in her eyes and said;

“Yes we lost he, she is no longer there but…”

Shikha was shattered, a small drop of tear came from her eye and she was cataleptic again. It has been 2 years since; she never opened her eyes just that she has kept breathing. After a year the doctors had discharged her with little hope and a mini hospital was set up in Adi’s bedroom, and he made sure he cleaned her everyday and took care of her.

He still believed one day she will open her eyes and speak to him. She was so fond of talking that once she rose from her sleep he felt she would talk endlessly for a month!!

Tears had dried in adi’s eyes, he too felt weak; but he knew he had to keep moving so that he could take care of her. He walked out to make a coffee for himself.

PS. Thanks for bearing with me, this turned out a bit too long than expected.

PS2. Thanks Shalini k for pointing out the mistake where in adi changes to avi :) and thanks a lot sahil for all the inputs. Have tried to rework on the same though there would still be quite a few errors.

My last bog “Politically ignorant” has made me thinking on a serious note, “if given a chance will I ever enter politics? The answer was a big “NO”. Then I thought about sunshine’s gb entry that since educated people don’t go and vote, we deserve such a government. Why don’t we vote? Do I really have some great choices to vote for? There would be an army of contestants with criminal background, do I really want them to lead….No, hence I will not vote….but is that an elucidation???

A debate followed in my mind, why don’t they? Our Leaders who run this nation are not personable, aged with no familiarity in right field and are at the post for their personal interests; that’s it!! They will debate on every issue but just to waste time or just because they have been allotted some time to speak in the house, not even sure of what they want to speak or do.

I tried to Google out “How to become a MLA”. Not a single piece of relevant info could I find. Actually for the right people to come into the picture, the entire system needs to be scrapped and we need to have some stringent rules and regulations for those who contest.

Even in school I recollect only the best or the all-rounder student was made a captain. So we follow same for our politics:

1. Educational background check is must. Minimum qualification of graduation is needed. This is to start with, the moment post goes higher, people with work experience and better educational background should come in to the picture.

2. There should be a retirement age also in politics, someone above 65 should rest at home or become an advisor to his party rather than lingering his way to office.

3. All the Cabinet ministers should have at least 15 years of experience in their field to understand the nitty-gritty of the industry and what reforms are required and what’s best for the nation. Rather than just hiring a secretary from the industry to assist and make all the presentations. For eg in 21^st century our HRD Minister proposes the 27% reservation for OBC in IIT’S, IIMs. Such decisions or policies are just brought in for the votes; someone who has some logic will not prefer to divide the country on basis of caste.

4. Any sort of criminal record should be a big No. If anyone in power does any sort of crime, should be severely punished rather than keep them like heroes in the jail and listening to all their commands. One should be afraid of committing crime again; such should be an experience in jail and not that rich and powerful walk free or just relax at jail.

5. People should not be made members of parliament just because they are well known public figures like actors, since it would help in getting the crowd in rallies and to gather vote. Let them do what they are best at.

6. All these leaders should have done some active social service, that doesn’t mean just donation. To understand the life and the problems of the villagers etc they should go and stay there for some time.

7. Those who don’t attend parliament session should be thrown out, there needs to be answerability.

8. There should be an assessment in terms of what work is done by them at a quarterly level, the KRA’s need to be attained.

9. We are a democratic country but the government can’t be bullied to keep the coalition parties happy. It can’t always be concerned that one decision could throw them out of the office.  Every important decision needs to be discussed by the leaders, people from industry and common public, There needs to be a discussion and then a decision should be taken. I feel if educated and experienced people come in to the picture such problems will not arise.

To change the system I am sure there will be huge cries from all of those who are ruling or have ruled, but to change the face of India, for betterment of each one of us and the country, its important that the system changes.

There needs to be some kind of barriers so that right people with some grey matter enter the field, rather than just baseless people who don’t have anything to do; entering it. There needs to be a fear of losing the seat in case there is no work done rather than just the allies walking out.

I will keep adding to this list as and when some further thoughts come to my mind, but I am clueless as to how can we change the system. Are some right people hearing or reading this???

When it comes to Politics, I don’t mind calling myself as cent percent politically ill-literate. I seriously don’t understand the art of becoming a minister, chief minister or for that matter even PM. From the little I know or what I have observed stronger the criminal background bigger is your chance to get a seat as MLA or MP. Such are the heroes who are responsible for running their constituency or rather a bigger role of running our country (whew is that such a big roleJ).

One doesn’t need any educational background to reach to the top, rather if you are more educated you could be somewhere lost in the race and of course local language is must. I recollect few days back some babus (ya that’s what I like to address them as) had made a scene in BMC meeting just because the presentation was held in English and not Marathi.

Anyways I don’t prefer to comment as I have not done anything, nor have I made an effort to correct the system, nor am I ever planning to contest so I have no right to make noise about it. Be happy with what you have, coz post Independence India has progressed only because of them, wherever India is, all credit to them, so what if we are still a developing country and not a developed one.

I have already written 3 paragraphs without coming to the main point; what did I actually want to write. Actually I was kinda confused (shucks man, nowadays I have started getting so confused) …Just the thought of Mayawati as next PM. I was wondering the change from Manmohan Singh to Mayawati…………..Let me clarify none of them is my favourite and nor am I camping for Advani ji.

Its just that I am wondering when such a high post comes into picture, which represents the face of the country; there should be a coherent person who has the right vision and can think for the country first rather than himself/herself or the party.

To my India and to the power of Indians…I sincerely wish…May the Right person and party prevail…AMEN!!!!

I am upset and aggravated as of now. Why the hell things can’t be easy in life.

You try and do something good to the best of your extent and this society and people around will make sure to bring down your morale.

A big emotional decision is equally tough for me too, even I am a human why the hell people can’t accept or take things straight?

Why do they have to apply their reasons?

Why shall I give explanation to anyone?

No boss I am not giving any answers nor any explanations to anyone…This is my life, the person who is the most important in my life, i.e. my soul mate, he is the only one who has right to question me. Till the time he is by my side, I don’t see any reason to explain the situation or my decision to anyone else including my mom.

I have always been a very strong person, I believe in myself but why the hell I am losing grip on this decision of my life. Yes the emotional binding is so strong, so many emotions attached…but then I need to take a call and I need to do that soon. Not that I am killing anyone, it’s just an effort to make life beautiful for someone.

P.S. Reasons for my irritation and spoilt mood will come later, how late I am not too sure….coz as of now I am again CONFUSED………….sigh…sigh…I hate it.

It’s been quite sometime since I really wrote something, its not that I didn’t made an effort, I did quite a few times but then somehow nothing seemed correct either I was at loss of words or was not too sure what I really wanted to write so it was just closing those files after scribbling something. Then last week my brothers's family met with an accident so was quite worried. With nothing else to write thought would sum up series of event in last week which definitely included quite a few tensed moments.

It was around 4 pm last week, when I was travelling and my bhabhi called up and said she and kids had met with a small accident and she was in a hospital. My brother had gone to Hyderabad on the same day early morning for his new job. I could feel the tension in her voice, she didn’t have courage to give more details nor did I have to ask anything further. I got down from my car at the nearest station, took the local train cause that was the fastest way to reach at that hour.

Till the time I reached the hospital all the worse thoughts crossed my mind, I just wanted them to be fine, I just kept praying to god, if anything has to go wrong let it be with me and not them. Finally I reached the hospital my five year nephew laid on the hospital bed, he was asleep due to sedatives, seeing bandages on his head and leg and bruises all across his lean body made my heart sink.

We had to take him for ct scan since he had stitches on his head so just to make sure there were no internal injuries, once my hubby reached we decided to take him for that. My little nephew was so much in pain even a feather touch would make him scream at that hour. I knew if I was there instead of him I would have been screaming in pain, I was bowled over after seeing the courage and patience he showed, we carried him for the ct scan and one could easily make out the amount of pain he was going through because of the travel and carrying him from one place to other, but he simply kept silent. It seemed he was quite matured for his age.

We were relaxed with the scan report being normal after that doctor just advised bed rest and we brought him back home.

He was not even able to lie down properly and every movement of his hand or leg would require such an effort. He could make out how tensed and vulnerable his mom and others felt sitting beside him. It’s then he says mamma don’t worry I will be fine till tomorrow.

Tears rolled down my cheeks, I must admit it again I still admire the audacity and willpower of my nephew. Seeing him everyday in pain makes our heart sink but he makes sure that his smile and talks make everyone’s heart sing. He makes his best effort to make sure that he is playing, talking, and watching movies so that he is distracted from the pain.

He is still recovering and I sincerely hope he is fit and fine soon.

Such is life where we really don’t know what next moment has in store for us.

P.S. Friends I have not got a chance to edit this one, just posting it as it is, definitely pouring out all the thoughts and happenings here make me feel a bit better as of now. It’s like sharing the pain with all of you. Will write soon…

It’s been 6 years now dad since you left…

I still remember how you used to call me angel of your eyes,

You would fight with mom to ensure I always had a smile,

You pampered me day in and out

O my dad I still miss you.

I still remember how you would hide my mistakes from mom

You made sure I followed all my dreams

You were there behind me to hold me whenever I fell

O my dad I still miss you.

I still remember how you would read me stories and poems

You made sure I learnt all my lessons

You were always there to guide me as a friend

O my dad I still miss you

Even today when I miss you

You come in my dreams to listen to me

I know dad you too miss me,

The same way as I miss you.

On this Fathers day I just wish to thank god for blessing me with a wonderful dad like you. You were and you will always be my best friend.

I create a ruckus if I fall sick, be it headache or fever, I create so much noise that everyone knows that I am sick. At least few get well soon calls and sms are well deserved; else what’s the point of being sick.

If I have some consistent back ache it could be because of stress or may be posture but then I will tell my hubby that may be I am suffering from ankylo spondylitis of the lumber spine. Consistent headache would lead to tumour or may be cancer. I believe I am worried sick.

Next day I am hail and hearty; my hubby has got so familiar with all my “sickness” L phew…that his responses now are just HMMMM.

I don’t know palmistry at all but then to the best of my understanding about those lines running here and there and as explained by few; my life line and money line merge at some point and after a while of walking together they separate. So few of them have told me that I will fall very sick at some point of my life and lot of money will go in my treatment but nevertheless I am not going to die at that point of time as you see lines separate again and I will be fine. I have got quite a few versions on what could happen; like diabetes, heart attack etc.

But the story which I follow and keep telling my hubby and my close ones is I will go in to coma and will be hospitalized for a year or so but listen don’t lose hope I will come back. Initially he would be like you are nuts, don’t bother, nothing will happen; but poor him he even has heard the same story so many times that now the response is hmmm or ya I know u will be back so nothing to worry.

Last week I had this headache and I again started “It seems time has come” and he was like for what, I said, I have this strong intuition that this is the year when I will be so sick and gone in coma. He just sighed and got back to his work.  After 10 minutes I just asked hey where and when are we gonna go for our holidays this year, make sure we go at least for 15 days or so.

He commented no we will not go anywhere this year, we can’t afford.

I was shocked, huh why, you promised me and we have even saved for that, right?

He came close to me, took my hand in his hand and said sweetheart you see your intuition is so strong that this is the year you are going to be hospitalised and then it’s at least a year you will be there, that too in coma and all. Then you will come back too so I need to ensure you get the best treatment and facilities throughout the year.

So...we need that money to be utilized at that time, if you are there with me holidays will happen at any stage of life but we need to be sure you get the best treatment and we have enough cash flows.

Huh…..NO NO….Just wait…I just thought he had suddenly got so smart in dealing with me. I was speechless for some time…

I realised that my own stupid idea of getting sick has back fired, had to change my stand else holidays were gone….cuddled him and told him hey my intuition seems to change…

We both had a wholehearted laugh.

I can’t believe how time did fly and see now it’s time to say goodbye

There were so many wonderful moments we spent with all ups and downs

Remember the laughs we shared and the tears we dealt with

Those long aimless walks and those long talks

You gave me the strength to be what I am

You held my hand and guided me through the dark

You wiped my tears and came so close to my heart

But alas time has come to bid goodbye

Memories would always last close to heart

We will always remember all little things which we enjoyed doing together

I wish there was some more time to be with you.

My dear friend….I will miss you

No matter what may ever happen

One thing for sure will not change

That’s the bonding we share …

Time may pass by but we will always remain best friends

Isn’t life mysterious? None of us know what’s in store the very next moment for us! Yet we plan till our retirement and old age. We plan for best, though there are many things which will happen and they are bound to happen.

Every time something goes wrong in life, we always feel “Why me?” Disappointment shatters us completely and the big question of “why” always remains till things fall in place. But I am sure most of us come out of it with flying colors, as its well said that experience makes us more matured, possibly that’s why god keeps changing track of our life.

We all live by faith, faith for a better tomorrow and feel relaxed and protected by our imaginations. Possibly it’s just faith that keeps us going, we believe that “yes there will be a beautiful tomorrow”. It’s actually up to us; either we can dream of a perfect tomorrow or just crib and say there’s just worst to come.

Most of us can never answer life’s most fundamental question and we always keep searching and questioning what we really want from life; “why am I so gloomy, why everything goes wrong with me only”? I believe this list of why would be never ending and not all of these questions would have a satisfactory answer and this leads to frustration.

Those who take life as a challenge and have courage to adapt to changing scenarios are possibly the ones who find the right path in life.  I strongly believe every problem has a solution perhaps only if we change our attitude.

Would like to end with few lines from “Time of Your Life”

Another turning point; a fork stuck in the road.
Time grabs you by the wrist; directs you where to go.
So make the best of this test; and don't ask why.
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time.
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.